Four weddings on the calendar this month, and I still have two invitations sitting on the kitchen counter I haven’t RSVP’d to.
I used to actually like wedding season. Now I just feel tired looking at the envelopes stacking up.
I started this mind class not long ago, the one where they keep telling us to actually sit with what we’re feeling instead of just pushing through it, and honestly it’s backfiring on me a little. Because now on the bus, 70 minutes each way every single day, I actually notice how drained I am instead of zoning out with my phone like I used to. Yesterday I caught myself just staring out the window somewhere past the river and almost missed my stop.
Last weekend at a wedding, the officiant said something about starting a new life together and I had to step outside. Not because I was happy for them, or not only that. I couldn’t even tell you what it was. I stood in the hallway by myself for a few minutes and then went back in like nothing happened.
The garden’s a mess too. I put in perilla and lettuce back in spring, and for a while I was out there every single weekend, pulling weeds, checking on things, and it was honestly the one part of the week I looked forward to. Haven’t touched it in 3 weeks now. My neighbor mentioned the weeds were taking over and I just said I’ll get to it, and then didn’t.
I don’t know when weddings turned into something that makes me feel my age instead of something happy. Maybe it’s watching everyone’s kids get married while I’m over here just learning how to sit with my own feelings for the first time in my fifties. There’s something almost embarrassing about that, learning this so late, when everyone younger seems to already know how to talk about what’s going on inside them.
Work hasn’t let up either. Long commute, full day, long commute back, and by the time I’m home there’s nothing left over for the garden or for sitting quietly like they keep telling us to do in class. Told myself I’d catch up this weekend and then this weekend has a wedding in it too, gift envelope and all, another $150 I hadn’t planned for.
I’m not even upset about one specific thing. It’s just a lot of small things stacked on top of each other and I don’t have anywhere to set them down right now. The perilla’s probably gone to seed by now. Haven’t checked.