Four nights, that’s how long the voice memo thing actually held up. I know some of you were kind enough to suggest it after my last post about being too tired to log anything, and for a few days it really did feel like something had finally clicked! I’d get off the bus, walk the 10 minutes home, and before I even got my shoes off I’d just talk into my phone for 15 seconds about what my arms felt like. It was so much easier than writing anything down.
Then last night happened. I got home around 8:50, sat down on the couch for what I told myself would be 5 minutes before dinner, and the next thing I knew it was 11:52pm and I was still in my work clothes with my shoes on. My left forearm was a mess. I must have been scratching the whole time I was out, and I don’t remember any of it. No voice memo, no log, nothing. Just a couch cushion with little flakes of skin on it and a headache starting behind my eyes.
I keep thinking about how everyone’s advice has been so sensible. The memo idea was sensible. The run-walk thing was sensible. Going to bed earlier is sensible. But sensible assumes there’s some spare minute in the day where I’m actually awake enough to use it, and most nights there just isn’t one. By the time the 90 minutes each way is done, I’m not choosing between a good routine and a bad one, I’m choosing between falling asleep sitting up or falling asleep lying down.
And now on top of it I’ve been staring at my bank app trying to decide if breaking the CD is worth the penalty, because apparently that’s where my head goes when I can’t do anything about the actual problem. Something I can control, even if it costs me money, feels better than something I can’t.
I don’t have a neat way to end this. I’m just tired in a way that sitting down doesn’t fix anymore, and tonight felt like the right night to say that somewhere instead of just to the couch.