Backed out on a friend again tonight, the third time this month if I’m counting right.
She’d asked about dinner around 7, nothing fancy, just the diner near her place, and I said yes on Tuesday like I meant it.
Then today happened the way today happens. Up at 5:40, out the door by 6:10, the bus, the 90 minutes each way, and by the time I got off the train at 6:50 I just stood there on the platform for a second, not sure I could do one more thing today.
I texted her from the platform. Said something came up. It didn’t, not really, I just didn’t have anything left in me, if that makes sense.
I used to be the one who showed up no matter what! Now I’m the one canceling on people who’ve been patient with me for years, and I don’t love what that says about where I’m at.
I suppose the running isn’t helping the energy the way I’d hoped, not yet anyway, might take longer than I figured. Some nights I come home and the only thing I manage is standing at the counter eating whatever’s in the fridge and calling it dinner.
She’ll understand, she always does. That’s almost worse, somehow, her being so easy about it while I keep doing this to her.